I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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