I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
