I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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