So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
