apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
