Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
