operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
