Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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