Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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