For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
