brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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