Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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