I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
