she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
