I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
