The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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