two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
