he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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