I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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