Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
