Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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