the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
