if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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