The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
