my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
