Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
