When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
