I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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