You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
