Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
