I accidentally had phone sex last night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
