i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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