Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
