fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
