I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
