smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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