Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
