I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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