i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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