i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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