But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
