My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
