I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
