K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
