i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am available for nakedness
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
