Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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