there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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