Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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