I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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