they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
