Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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