The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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