so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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