Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
wrigley field is MILF paradise
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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