if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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