I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
