masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
